| friends? |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|10:49 am] |
Since I have been in recovery, my reliance on my girlfriends has lessened. They are tired of hearing me.... though they care and are "supporting" in the way they know how. Bu since I started Alanon... the words I hear from them seem unhealthy for me. They are not within the Alanon principles. I am concerned that I pull away from them as a result... fault them in some way, judge them. And this I do not want to do. I must watch my words... possibly share less because I have healthier places to share now. I know I can not help them get into recovery. I am grateful I am here myself.
But it was hard to not be offended the other day. The last conversations I had with a close friend. Words like "you need to ask yourself" "you should" "you can't" "do you really" the questioning... the telling of what to do... making me doubt my steps in recovery.
It was not helpful.... and today, I must detach from that. Let it go, and remember I have a healthier place to go now.
I thank you all for being here, for posting, for your light and wisdom.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things (and people) I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can (myself), and the wisdom to recognize the difference.
Peace be with you. |
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| today |
[Jun. 1st, 2006|10:45 pm] |
Today, I remember to live one day at a time... easier said than done. Isn't it so that at certain points in our lives... certain points in our lives are given to prjecting... to planning... does planning not require creating expectations?
I am new to recovery, and so is my qualifier. 4 weeks to be exact. after 17 years of drugs and alcohol... what will our life be like with him sober?
I feel I have my husband back. I heard the other night, someone say, they were thankful for the alcoholic in their life... because it brought them to alanon, it brought them to recovery. and I feel that way too. While I never would wish this in my life, or in anyone else's... it has brought me where I am today. and I am thankful to be where I am today. in recovery.
I see how I too have an illness.... I too have been sick. My behaviors are mine to resolve, mine to look at, admit, and work to change, to learn new ones. His behaviors are his. I am not responsible for his behavior and he is not responsible for my happiness or lack there of, if that may be the case.
But today... today a fear is festering. I have planned and projected for so long... planned my college education, timing, financing it... planned my career, planned for my grad degree... plan to pay the bills, plan when to have kids, finally, or when not to, plan excuses why not to to cover up my fear, plan, plan, plan... and really... I plan 5 years ahead! all this planning has led to expectations, which have created anger when my expectations aren't met. all this planning is projecting into the future... and it creates this image of control... Like as if I actually have control over it!?! I think this planning and creating all these expectations has made my life unmanageable. My life is unmanageable... I feel incapable. I feel incapable because my expectations about work, family, marriage... whatever the plan was... have not been met.
I don't want to be someone with low expectations. But, I don't want to live in the future anymore... I want to live in today.
I can not control when or what it will be like to have children. I can not control my husband or prevent him from returning to the bottle sometime in the future. Is that "slip" really a given? How do I move forward with my life... and deal with that fear? How can I live in today and not fear his returning to drink? How can I have children, knowing that there is a chance he will return to drinking someday? Unless I divorce him, I know that this is a possibility and that I must find a way to deal/control/whatever term should go with it... I know I have to deal with this fear. But how?
would it be denial for me to believe that he may never return? How do I put my life in the "faith" that he will not return to drinking? Or is it that, I need to have faith in myself to be healthy enough in my own head to know what to do if he does?
Today I am trying to live in today... but I have this festering fear that will live again tomorrow.
Life is precious... and I want children. friends have married and divorced, carried and miscarried... I am tired of living in the future... today I search for the faith I think I need to stop planning for a future that has yet to occur. |
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